Writing Tips
for clarity and concisenessArchive for clutter
Concise Sentence Structure
A quick example on this lucky Friday the 13th:
President Bush has threatened Iran with military action if it fails to stop enriching uranium.
There are no grammatical errors in this sentence. But “if it fails to stop” twists my mind around. It would be more direct to put it like this:
President Bush has threatened Iran with military action unless it stops enriching uranium.
Or like this:
President Bush has threatened Iran with military action if it continues enriching uranium.
Questions? Comments?
Tara Treasurefield
Tara’s Writing Studio
Simplify–and also Clarify
Here is a sentence that would benefit from both weeding and clarifying:
Oil profits are being used for the purpose of buying back stocks in the oil companies, instead of developing alternatives.
To simplify this sentence, replace “for the purpose of” with “to”:
Oil profits are being used to buy back stocks in the oil companies, instead of developing alternatives.
To clarify it, change from passive voice to active voice:
Oil companies are using their huge profits to buy back their own stock, instead of investing in renewable energy alternatives.
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Synonyms
Using synonyms–words that have nearly the same meaning–in the same sentence is a common cause of clutter. It’s also a sign of confusion about the subtle differences in the meanings of the words. The following sentence is a clear and simple example:
The oil companies aren’t reinvesting their huge profits in ways that will reduce our oil addiction habit.
Because “addiction” and “habit” are synonyms, using both of them is overkill. Either of the following would do:
The oil companies aren’t reinvesting their huge profits in ways that will reduce our oil addiction.
The oil companies aren’t reinvesting their huge profits in ways that will reduce our oil habit.
Which word is better, “addiction” or “habit”? That is up to the writer, whose task it is to study the definitions of the two words and make a choice.
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Weed Your Writing
Have you ever noticed that extraneous words crop up like weeds as you write? It’s a common phenomenon among writers. Here’s an example:
Her intuitive powers seem to fail when it matters most: when it comes to a guy she finds physically attractive.
Three of the words in this sentence, “it,” “comes,” and “to” are clutter. After weeding and rearranging a couple words, the sentence looks like this:
Her intuitive powers seem to fail when it matters most: when she finds a guy physically attractive.
To prevent weedy writing, review your drafts carefully, delete any words that don’t serve a useful purpose, and move words around as needed.
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Emphasis Extremis
This morning, a crow strutted to the sliding glass door at the back of my place, looked in, cawed several times, then flew away. He/she has done this every morning for the past couple months.
Since I have caught crows in the act of dropping peanut shells in the birdbath, I know that someone has been offering them peanuts. Apparently, my daily visitor makes the rounds every day, demanding more peanuts from other humans in his neighborhood.
But I enjoy looking beyond the obvious, and turned to the Medicine Cards for a different perspective on Crow’s daily appearances. Here’s an excerpt:
Since Crow is the keeper of sacred law, Crow can bend the laws of the physical universe and “shape shift.” … This art includes doubling, or being in two places at one time consciously: taking on another physical form, and becoming the “fly on the wall” to observe what is happening far away.
As the entry continues, we get the following:
The law which states that “all things are born of women” is signified by Crow…Different formulas for salvation are demanded by each “true faith.”…You must “caw” the shots as you see them…As you learn to allow your personal integrity to be your guide…Your personal will can then emerge…
This view of crow intrigues me, fascinates me. But my eyes and mind stumble over the many scare quotes and italics, and at the end of the reading, I feel exhausted and irritated.
If you want to emphasize certain words, go right ahead. That’s a legitimate use for italics. But if you overdo it, you risk losing the emphasis and annoying the reader.
In the same way, create a scare quote by placing a word or words in quotation marks. But use scare quotes sparingly. Otherwise, you dilute the power of your writing and annoy readers.
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Once is Enough
This sentence uses two words to achieve the same purpose. One would have been enough:
Frankly, I was a little more than tired of both the anticipation and the rain, too.
I found it in a mystery novel, and the sentences around it make it clear that either “both” or “too” would do:
Frankly, I was a little more than tired of both the anticipation and the rain.
Frankly, I was a little more than tired of the anticipation–and the rain, too.
Notice that I added a dash to the sentence that ends in “too”; without the dash, it would have a different meaning:
Frankly, I was a little more than tired of the anticipation and the rain, too.
Do you see the problem? Without the dash, “too” suggests that the writer isn’t the only one who is tired of the anticipation and the rain. Judging by the context, that wasn’t the writer’s intention.
Comments?
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Treasurefield Communications
Creeping Clutter
Clutter creeps into our work, our homes, our relationships–and into our writing. Clutter crept into the following sentence:
By the time she hung up, they were on a first name basis and she felt as if she’d made a friend for life. She also felt as if that life was suddenly so much more uncomplicated.
This would be a less cluttered way to say the same thing:
By the time she hung up, they were on a first name basis and she felt as if she’d made a friend for life. She also felt as if life were suddenly much simpler.
What do you think of my suggested changes? Would you do it differently?
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Treasurefield Communications
Excess Words
Last weekend, I heard some word clutter over the radio:
It’s very crucial to leave our comfort zones to learn something new.
It’s absolutely critical that we tone down our rhetoric.
Since “crucial” means “essential,” there’s no need to modify it with “very.” Similarly, “critical” is “decisive,” “crucial,” and “a turning point”; modifying it with “absolutely” is a waste of the reader’s (and writer’s) time.
Here’s another example of clutter, taken from a novel. Notice that the “too” is extra, and that this sentence would read better without it:
Frankly, I was a little more than tired of both the anticipation and the rain, too.
The sentences below include even more clutter. When I heard them, I automatically, and perhaps unfairly, concluded that the speaker took so long to make his points because he’s pompous and arrogant:
The situation we have today is one where the two provinces remain politically divided.
I prefer something more simple and direct, like this:
Today, the two provinces remain politically divided.
The same speaker also said this:
We have a situation where there are going to be continued problems in that region.
Again, I prefer simplicity and directness:
There are going to be continued problems in that region. OR,
The problems in that region are going to continue.
What are your thoughts on this?
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Treasurefield Communications
