Writing Tips
for clarity and concisenessArchive for organization
Syntax Critical
Last night, I came across this sentence in a mystery novel:
The little Adelie penguins who congregated on Cape Royds each spring and laid their eggs and raised their broods had had to walk sixty kilometers across the ice to find the krill that formed the bulk of their diet instead of a few meters.
Notice how “instead of a few meters” dangles at the end, doing no useful work. That’s because by the time the reader reaches it, the phrase it relates to–”sixty kilometers”–is a distant memory.
To give “instead of a few meters” something useful to do, promote it to a new position:
The little Adelie penguins who congregated on Cape Royds each spring and laid their eggs and raised their broods had had to walk sixty kilometers across the ice– instead of a few meters–to find the krill that formed the bulk of their diet.
The novel the original sentence appeared in isn’t just a mystery yarn. It’s also a treatise about the impacts of global warming, a critical issue to be sure.
Writers who long to alert readers of critical issues need to give careful attention to syntax. Otherwise, readers stop reading before getting the message.
Questions? Comments?
Tara Treasurefield
Tara’s Writing Studio
Different to
Georg Muntingh, winner of the first syntax contest on this blog, alerted me that British English allows the following construction for comparisons:
There are many British words which are different to American words.
Different to looks odd to me!
Georg also sent me a link that offers some interesting details about different from, different than, and different to: http://www.bartleby.com/68/37/1837.html.
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Adverb within verb phrase
Notice the awkwardness of the sentence below:
She was taken suddenly aback.
The problem is that this sentence violates the following rule:
When an adverb qualifies [modifies] a verb phrase, the natural place for the adverb is between the auxiliary verb and the principal verb. Chicago Manual of Style, Sec. 5.160.
In the sample sentence, “suddenly” is the adverb, “was taken aback” is the verb phrase, and “was” is the auxiliary verb–it helps the principal verb, “taken,” form its voice, tense, and mood.
So, “suddenly” is in the wrong place. When corrected, the sentence reads like this:
She was suddenly taken aback.
I think that’s much better. Do you?
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Appositive
The Chicago Manual of Style defines an appositive as follows:
[An appositive is] a noun that immediately follows another noun or noun phrase in order to define or further identify it {George Washington, our first president, was born in Virginia}.
The sentence below illustrates the strange results that occur when an appositive is in the wrong place:
John appeared before Christina, a slender, bearded man with horn-rimmed glasses.
The appositive is “a slender, bearded man with horn-rimmed glasses.” Because of its placement, this sentence tells us that Christina is a slender, bearded man with horn-rimmed glasses.
To fix it, move the appositive:
John, a slender, bearded man with horn-rimmed glasses, appeared before Christina.
Question? Comment?
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Winner of Puncuation Contest
The winner of the punctuation contest is Rachel Boehm. Congratulations, Rachel!
Here’s the original sentence:
The days were too short, and, strangely, tomorrow, with its news reports, new bits of information, new insights, tomorrow seemed unreachable until all at once it had been there and was yesterday.
Here is Rachel’s corrected version:
The days were too short. Tomorrow, with its news reports–new bits of information, new insights–tomorrow seemed unreachable until all at once it had been there and was yesterday.
This is a good use of dashes. Notice, too, that Rachel made the original sentence even more manageable by breaking it into two; she also deleted two words: and and strangely.
The only thing that I would debate is the location of the dashes. In the original, news reports, new bits of information, new insights, have equal weight and are independent of each other. Rachel’s placement of dashes assumes that new insights and new bits of information flow only from news reports.
Since humans also gain insights and bits of information through reflection, conversation, direct experience, and in other ways, I’d preserve the original independence by placing the dashes in a different location. Also, because removing and and strangely changes the meaning, I’d leave them in. But I would delete the second occurrence of tomorrow:
The days were too short, and strangely, tomorrow–with its news reports, new bits of information, new insights–seemed unreachable, until all at once it had been there, and was yesterday.
Note that I also added two commas, to slow the pace of the sentence.
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Syntax Reflects Thinking
Sometimes a writer puts her thoughts in writing before they are entirely clear. When this happens, awkward syntax may be the result, as in the sentence below:
If I didn’t follow this mysterious force, I felt as though I would never be happy.
See the problem? This sentence almost makes sense–but not quite. A few changes in word order clarifies the meaning:
I felt that if I didn’t follow this mysterious force, I would never be happy.
OR,
I felt as though I would never be happy if I didn’t follow this mysterious force.
Questions? Comments?
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Syntax Mysteries
Syntax-challenged sentences are likely to irritate readers, either because they raise questions or make for bumpy reading. Following are three examples.
That’s the kind of parallel that now needs to be discussed between Vietnam and Iraq.
A slight change in word order clarifies the meaning:
That’s the kind of parallel between Vietnam and Iraq that now needs to be discussed
Sometimes, a syntax-challenged sentence is easy enough to understand; but it’s choppy:
“We have a long history,” said Ken Fields, “of complying with those extensive and thorough examinations of voting technology.”
This is a smoother way to say the same thing:
“We have a long history of complying with those extensive and thorough examinations of voting technology,” said Ken Fields.
Notice how the word order in the last clause of the sentence below creates unnecessary confusion:
The company that sold San Francisco $3.8 million worth of electronic voting equipment is being scrutinized by California’s secretary of state, who said the machines delivered might be different, and thus uncertified, than those ordered.
A simple change in syntax increases clarity:
The company that sold San Francisco $3.8 million worth of electronic voting equipment is being scrutinized by California’s secretary of state, who said the machines delivered might be different from those ordered, and therefore uncertified.
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Where Are We Now?
I recently came across the sentence below in a novel:
The eleven miles between Howard’s Ford and Cedar Gap took me forever, and when I got there it was more of the same.
After reading this sentence, do you know where the protagonist is?
If you guessed Cedar Gap, as I did, you’re wrong. Well, sort of wrong, because the next paragraph describes scenes and activities in Howard’s Ford as if that were the protagonist’s current location, and also scenes and activities in Cedar Gap as if the protagonist were there.
Then, in the paragraph after that, the protagonist stops at the grocery store in Howard’s Ford.
Annoyed, I nearly closed the book and added it to my return-to-library pile. But, hey, I’m a fan, and even the most vigilant of writers and editors can’t catch every little glitch in a manuscript. Things slip through.
Besides. I need material for my blog, so I slogged on, in spite of not knowing where the heck the protagonist was. The book is engaging, and it would be even more so if the reader didn’t have to work so hard to get oriented.
Questions and comments welcome.
Cheers,
Tara Treasurefield
Treasurefield Communications
